More than anything I get stuck thinking about our beginnings. All we had was each other and that rusted old car. I never thought I would miss those stressful days, but they sound so good to me now. We always had a way of pushing through the hard times together. I never understood how you had so much confidence that everything would wind up okay in the end. You never doubted that we would have the fairytale ending of owning a beautiful home and creating a family together. That dream was all I ever wanted, and I was so afraid of it not coming true. I guess the only two things that helped me keep my chin up, in the midst of all that hard work and worrying, were you and driving that car.
You knew how much I loved to drive so you always let me take the wheel. I honestly cannot think of another man who would have let their wife have so much control back in those days. You were so good to me, never stopping short of making me happy. Driving brought me so much happiness until now. I never realized how much I appreciated our car rides. They were a time when I had you and only you with no interference from the outside world. Being in the car with you was like a quiet vacation from life. Car rides hurt me so badly these days. I think the big difference is that I loved our car rides. The “our,” makes so much difference.
When I drive now I feel the absence of your hand on my thigh, it feels so cold. I hear the quiet hum of the engine so loudly, this noise is supposed to replace you? It will never replace your voice, your thoughts, your feelings. I now have to look both ways when I cross a street or change lanes, it feels so strange. I just cannot get used to looking to the right. Where are you to say, “all clear my love?” I am reminded of my careless mistakes by the angry cars behind me. Do they do not realize that they only remind me of the empty passenger seat? I hate that passenger seat.
Where are you to take the wheel while I put on my lip stick? I will never be deaf to you calling me “fancy face,” after the fact. I still see you smile; you knew you could never go wrong with that line. How can I feel beautiful without you here?
When I would forget my purse in the house you would automatically hop out of the car to get it for me. Never mad, you would do this, and even give me a kiss upon your return. Forgetfulness doesn’t get me a kiss these days, only a chill, from having to venture into the cold once more. Sometimes I don’t know if it is worth it, but the cold never stopped you.
Our songs on the radio ring in my ears. I am not used to the famous voices. Your booming voice mixed with my laughter was my music. A melody will never sound so sweet. I guess music just can’t do the trick for me anymore.
Whenever I was sad we would drive. I would eventually pull over and cry my heart out on your shoulder. You would always run your thumb under my eyes to wipe my tears. You were always so perfect at this, never messing up my makeup, all the while telling me how pretty I looked when I cried. You made me feel beautiful even through my sobs. I look back and I realize I had nothing to be upset about. But now that I have lost you I have a real reason to cry. Where are you to dry my eyes and kiss my wet cheeks? I just don’t think I can’t do this by myself.
I have trouble opening the driver’s side door now. I am not sure if I ever opened it on my own until I lost you. You were such a gentleman. I think I might be getting too weak to open it on my own. Maybe it might be time for me to stop driving. I really hate it now anyways. I guess I only loved driving so much because you were there beside me. I am trying so hard to be strong for you; I know you would never allow me to be sad. But I simply don’t think I will be happy until I have you again. Maybe I will go on my last drive today. I love you.