I said so many things to hurt you. But I must I understand why I was so stupid. In my life I wanted only three things. You, my children and the life I was chasing. I got all of those. And no I have none of them!!! How many times have I told you that I was a very happy man during the last couple of months? But I am probably the worst looser in this world, to let go something so good.
Baby there was one thing which caused these fights. Remember when you left me in England I was so sad. I didn't speak to anyone. I just came here. I was crying all the way on the flight. We were gonna come together. Then to come alone way too painful. But more than anything I thought I was not being loved by you. I became jelous I think. I wanted you and you came back anyway. When you came back remember I asked you to promise not to leave me again and promise work on counselling or something if we have problems again. Baby I am so to keep hurting you but I did those because I was deeply hurt and thought you don't love me. Remember I told you many times that I want to feel your love. Baby I am not a baaad person or the worst person you think I am. I am a good person who did some bad things. I said a lot to hurt you. I never meant anything. It was just to hurt your feelings to get back at you. But what I should have done is to forget about what happened and live with you. Because you tried hard during the last couple of months. But I had a hard time overcoming the England last week. I wish there was someone who saw this fault in me and told me. I wish...oh baby I wish.
The day we had the fight I told you not to take my son because I knew that you will not leave me without our son. That was the best I did to stop you. But I don't think I was thinking that way. You were thinking I really meant it. How could I raise our son without you. You don't know baby. After the fight I told you when we were sitting on the bed..I held you had and hugged you and said I am sorry and you don't have to go. This is the best I did to mend your broken heart. I should have touched your feet and begged. I would have if I knew you were leaving. Oh baby I miss you. But then you left to get salary. I asked you If you want me to come...because I was hurting and knew you were as well. I wanted to come. But you said you will come back. Oh baby why you didn't? Then me and our son waited till 3pm and you were not back. I got so worried and after son's lunch I walked down to the city. We went to mall and everywhere. We on a bench and had chips and waited hoping you will pass by. Our son was just holding my had all alone. Never asked to let go as he usually does. I felt he also knew something is wrong. Because usually when you gone to work he never ask about you. And I only say ammi is at work and he does his things until you come. But that day he was sooo sad asking me "ko ammi" again and again even when we were walking.
We came back and you were not back at home. I got very scared knowing you were sensitive I went to the Airport. You were not there. On our way back our son was still asking when you would come home. When we came back from the airport and found you were not home baby I was devasted. Didn't know where to go and what to do Called the police and asked them to help me to find them. But since you were seen at 2 hrs ago they told me to wait till tomorrow morning. That wasn;t enough for me. I asked some of your contacts on the phone to help me locate you. I just wanted to find you and bring you home and to beg you to forgive me and to live again like we did. But by 9 I was feeding the little one. Then they came to arrest me. Our son ran out and said thatti don't go...Oh my god. I wish you could see my tears when I recollect and write this. You are an angel. But I am not a devil as well. I am a man in love who made some terrible mistakes. I know that.
Baby we start arguing some silly things and then we both say things to hurt each other. That is where all this began. Now I can't tell you how I feel. I can't. They won't let me. I am lonely in this house. I hear you and our son talking in the living room. I have not gone to the living room since you left. Our son's toys are everywhere. I can't and dont have the courage to clean the living. They all remain where you left them. I just live on this bed crying, thinking, writing and crying again. I have never cried like this. I never even knew I could cry this much. I cant sleep. I hear your voice. I hear our son calling me. "thatta lets jump", "thatta lets go out", "thatta lets play". Ane please I want it back. I still see you walking out of the door so sad. I still see you siting on my end of the bed and crying. And I keep doing things I should have done. I go to the door and bring you in and sit you on bed and beg you. I come to the bed, kneel, take your had and ask you to forgive. I will go crazy like this. Without talking to you how I do anything? You are my life and my future. You know that. Ane this is enough pain and hurt for both of us. I learned my lessons. I will forget all my past. And I will change. But please come back to me. Please at least for once talk to me and say you care about me..pleeease. Because without your caring I am nothing. I have no life. I don't know what I should do. You are the only one who can make things right for me now. I am asking you to forgive me..just once. And we will move forward. You will never be hurt again. Before when we fought we had our problems. This time we fought for nothing. We had earned the life we wanted. We were happy. It just I did not overcome what happend in UK and kept remining about it. But dont you think I am suffering too much pain already for that stupidity. Baby I m crushed. But see this will hurt our son as well. He doen't know what is going on. But I don't want him to grow up without his father. His father is not a bad man. I saw bad men when I was in remand. I wasn not like them. I was so scared in there. I ran home after that hoping for slightest chance of you may be still at home waiting for me to come. But I was wrong. You were gone. I was crushed and collapsed. This hurt all of us. But believe me I can change. But I need you and my son and all the love and caring to be that man. I want to be that man. You know one of our fav movie "the beautifulmind" and how Prof Nash's wife pull through the hardtime because of his mental situation. Baby I need you now more than ever. I might not win the nobel price like Prof Nash and I might not be able to give you a flashy speach like he did. But I truely believe that the best discovery of my life is in the equations of love which is you and my son nd my love for you. I need that love to forget this past, to be a husband i want to be. Remember I always tell you I 'm not like. I care about you. Please don't let this sillyness and hot temper take our futures away. There are so many other thing that we can do to solve those things. And we will do that together. We will face things with love and courage. Baby you that I am approaching my Phd with excellence. I had already started to work on my seconed publication when this happen. But Now I can all that. And we loose all this. I loose you, ehtan, and the life we planned. You lose me and life we planned. Ethan loose me and the life he could have had with me. Lets not do that baby. I don't know if I am saying the same thing again and again.
This is the end of my long planned education. It will be over soon. I don't care. Without you and without our life none of this matter to me. I did all this for us to have a better life. Every thing I earned I spent on you and our son. You know that. You know how I am. I know you are soo hurt and I did that to you. But you exactly what happend that day. I hope when you see through the pain of my words I said you will see how honest and saddened I am. We can still build this life. We still have time. You still have your jobs. But time will erase all this and I am scared it will arase us. Please come back darling. I will tight from the airport and will never ever again let you go. God I need my wife and son. I wish you could see me and talk to me. I know you will understand. You are the only one who can understand. So day and night I pray to see and talk to you even I am not suppose to.
If there is someone out there who understand this pain and can look beyond the silly actions took place on that day please help us. We need you more than you know. And I give my word to you baby and to my son to make it my life mission to sort this out and to keep you happy ever after.