The only thing I knew to do was to let go and let God handle it. Maybe that was just a way of quitting, maybe it was just ignorance. I was in denial and in fear at the same time. I didn't want to lose you, I didn't want to get my heart shredded and I didn't know how to stop the unraveling or stop my anxiety. I wanted to fight for you but you said I should let you go. I should have seen those words were spoken by the little girl inside who didn't want to be rejected, again.
I didn't want to be controlling. I wanted to show you unconditional love by loving you right where you were and not trying to change you. I wanted to let you gain self confidence by allowing you to walk your path instead of telling you what I thought you needed to do, like some people have done. I wanted you to see I loved you because of all your quirks and insecurities, not inspite of them. I understood why you did those things and I wasn't going to be the guy that abandoned you in your greatest time of need. I know what it is like to be abandoned by those who are supposed to
love us unconditionally. I wanted you to know my heart was not in the relationship to be walked on, this is why I confronted you that Wednesday in April after I went through your phone. I didn't want to break up with you, I just wanted to stand up to you and that back fired on me.
I wanted you to see and know that no matter how terrible you thought you were to me, I never took it personally because I have been there. I wanted you to know I loved you anyway but I was scared of getting burned and abandoned. I wanted to show you grace by not retaliating. I wanted to show you mercy by showing you compassion that had been shown to me. We can't give that which we have never received. I wanted you to see, feel, experience the awesome fullness of grace and mercy like it was meant to be shared. I wanted to provide these to you because I could tell you had been deprived of them for far too long. I wanted to be that guy who swept you off your feet with only the power of love, grace and mercy like you had never felt in your lifetime. I froze at the worst time possible and I failed you anyway. I failed at love.
I miss your gorgeous smile that warmed my heart and brightened my every day. I miss our late night talks lasting until early morning. I miss our intoxicating kisses which made the whole world go away. I miss the glow we shared when I saw you as I walked in the door. I miss seeing or talking to the woman I adore. I miss the way we could do anything or nothing at all and fully enjoyed being together. I miss your mango talapia and breaded chicken, too. I froze, I didn't know what to say or what to do.
I miss having you in my life, my best friend.