First and foremost, I apologize for disturbing you with this unexpected e-mail. I take it you think it's too late for me to look for you and try to find out how you are and make amends after almost a year and a half of not reaching you. But if there is one thing I truly learned from this experience was to respect your time and space; to dedicate the time to myself and things that I wanted, to make of myself a better human being. It's amazing to see how much you can learn from your mistakes in life and how much you can also regret doing and not doing.
I've been sitting on this e-mail for quite a while now; not exactly sure of sending it or not because of what it implies along with the loss of all hope after it being sent; knowing that there might not be a reply. After almost a month of pondering and sitting on this e-mail, I gathered enough courage to send it and to say everything that wonders in my heart and mind. So here it goes...
At first, I was distraught by the whole situation, I tried to get you out of my head for some time and it simply did not work. So as you already know, I tried reaching you over the phone with constant hang-up calling. Seeing that it had nothing other than negative results; noticing that you simply wanted to be on your own for a while, I decided to do what I had never thought possible of doing before, give you the time and space that you were asking for. After that, several months passed by and I tried taking up anything that would get you out of my mind and that of the fact of your loss. Thousands of things happened in that first year. After all that time, when I had finally reached peace of mind, I realized that I had not yet reached peace in my heart and that I was far from it. That's when I started analyzing what it was exactly that I wanted from, "life"; a home?, family of my own?, wife?, life partner?, stability? Then I asked myself if I wanted "someone" to provide me with all of the above, and answered to myself that it couldn't just be anyone. It had to be someone whom I truly loved.
People had filled up my life, my time and my mind, but I was still empty inside. My heart pleaded and begged for true happiness and love. That's when I decided to get away from everyone I knew, to enter a silent space where I could really think things through. A couple of months passed by and I kept arriving to the same conclusion and eventhough I had sent you mind-influenced-cycle-closing-emails where I mentioned that I had no more feelings for you whatsoever, I still did and still do. I must confess that I was angry at myself for not trying hard enough to win you back. I kept feeling you next to me everytime I cleared my mind. I kept thinking that, sure you can share happy moments with other people but what was the use if my heart didn't want those vanishing moments, it kept repeating the need for a lifetime of bliss with the only woman that has ever been able to make it burst with love, you.
Now, I find myself on the corner of hopelessness and regret. I regret millions of things I wish I had done and things I wish I hadn't done. I wish I had held you in my arms so tight that it would have been impossible for you to leave. I wish I had fought for us, for what we had, for our future. I wish I hadn't let us go. There is a glimpse of hopeful/hopeless-fading-light in my heart. Hopeful for you to read this e-mail that lets you know what it was thinking this whole year and a half. Hopeless because it knows there might not be a reply.
People make mistakes because they don't always know any better. We are humans, we are not perfect, I guess it might seem like a cliché, but the important thing is to learn from those mistakes to become a better person. I am not asking for your pity, I'm simply asking for you to grasp a moment of silence and look deeply into your heart to see what it feels and to feel what it did not want to see. I refuse to believe that after three years of creating warm and loving memories there is nothing left inside that heart. I look at Ari and Julio Pech and wonder how it is that they did it after all the things they went through. They're truly a couple to admire and I wish that could be us. I mean look at them, they're happy and they've already started a family. I don't know about you but I would truly give anything to follow their example of, "life can be better if you give it just one more chance to be."
I know you might say it's too late, after a year and a half, to apologize. It's too late to tell you what my heart still feels for you. It's too late to tell you that you mean the world to me. It's too late to let my soulmate know that I have not stopped loving her not even for a second. I know it's too late to say many things, but it's never too late to tell the love of your life how you felt and still feel about her. Claudia, I know you're angry and you have all the right to be angry at me and my flaws, but I would like you to know that given the chance, I would turn the world upside down to simply get a word from you. Winter is coming and my heart yearns for you to keep it warm with a simple... hello.
Truly yours, Luis M. Gonzalez
P.s. "Our hearts are often interrupted by the constant thinking of our influenced minds which keeps us from saying what we really feel and only allows us to convey what we think is right." L. Gonzalez